English Club - Foreign Trade University

I gonna take the IELTS test at the beginning of next month, so I really need to have my essay checked
I don't know if there are kind people such as hellormotor and Psychedelic_Soul who can help me. ^^

here is the topic and my essay ( 4 hours spent on it ++ )


Topic: Most developed countries spend a large proportion of their health budgets on expensive medical technology and procedures. This money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

In today’s rapidly developing society the issue of the distribution of health spending has aroused public concern. Indeed, many suggestions have been made, and one typically suggests that guiding people how to improve their health is the most prominent. However, from my own perspective, that government invest in medical researchs brings more merits to the society due to the reasons presented below.

To begin with, it is my belief that the advancement in medical treatment can help human beings deal with contemporary diseases. Specifically, a number of dangerous diseases such as HIV-AIDS may be eradicated if there are government spending on further medical research. Apparently, the lives of millions of people might be saved when an effective therapy is found. In addition, infections diseases such as chicken flu would be less likey to threat people’s lives in countries where modern types of vaccines were implemented. In those countries, the government expenditures on medical research does bring enormous benefits to the citizens.

Furthermore, a large spending on upgrading medical facilities might help human combat potential diseases in the future. Actually, modern people on these days tend to keep changing their lifestyles, offering opportunities for the attack of new more invisible viruses which may become the contributor to a pandemic without the support of the modern medical system. Moreover, climate change, another issue of science concern, is expected to trigger a great number of new diseases. Skin cancer, for example, is the result of exposure to the sun in a long time. The solar radiation, which originates from the decrease in the amount of the ozone layer in the atmosphere, is the main element in this matter. Hence, it is forecast that there will be an increasing number of new kinds of diseases besides skin cancer derived from climate change. For that reason, shortage of funding on health research possibly lead to a real pandemic in the upcoming years.

To sum up, I firmly commit to the notion that further government expenses on medical technolgy is vital. Not only those fundings help people dispose of current disorders but also fight against potential ones in the future.


HERE IS SOME TEMPLATES FOR AN ESSAY THAT I'VE GOT , HOPE THAT IT' WORK FOR YOU . THIS IS TO SH0W MY GRATITUDE TO
KIND MEMBERS WHO HELPED ME ENTHUSIASTICALLY

click

click

Telling me the errors in one paragraph only would also help me :D THANKS ^^

In today’s rapidly developing society the issue of the distribution of health spending has aroused public concern. Indeed, many suggestions have been made, and one typically suggests that guiding people how to improve their health is the most prominent. However, from my own perspective, that governmental investment in medical researches brings more merits to the society due to the reasons presented below.

To begin with, it is my belief that the advancement in medical treatments can help human beings deal with many contemporary diseases. Specifically, a number of dangerous diseases such as HIV-AIDS may be eradicated if there are government spending on further medical researches. Apparently, the lives of millions of people might be saved when an effective therapy is found. In addition, infectious illnesses such as bird flu would be less likely to threat people’s lives in countries where modern types of vaccines were implemented. In those countries, the government expenditures on medical researches does bring enormous benefits to the citizens.

Furthermore, a large spending on upgrading medical facilities might help human combat potential diseases in the future. Actually, modern people in these days tend to keep changing their lifestyles, offering opportunities to the attack of new more invisible viruses which may become the contributor to a pandemic without the support of the modern medical system. Moreover, climate change, another issue of science concern, is expected to trigger a great number of new diseases. Skin cancer, for example, is the result of exposure to the sun in a long time. The solar radiation, which originates from the decrease in the amount of the ozone layer in the atmosphere, is the main element in this matter. Hence, it is forecast that there will be an increasing number of new kinds of diseases besides skin cancer derived from climate change. For that reason, shortage of funding on health research possibly lead to a real pandemic in the upcoming years.

To sum up, I firmly commit to the notion that further government expenses on medical technolgy is vital. Those fundings not only help people dispose of current disorders but also fight against potential ones in the future.

Actually there are only some minor mistakes that I have found. This essay is indeed better than the previous one. However, 4 hours is a bit too long—I know you know that, but I think you should practice in a time-assuming condition.

AND, there's one point that maybe it's just me, but I assume there's a problem in your idea developing way. Your essay didn't answer the question in a very direct way. The other side of the topic (guiding people instead) was only slightly mentioned in the opening paragraph, whereas in my point of view this is the main issue—at least equal to the other issue (expensive medical technology etc). So the body paragraphs better look like comparisons between the two ways of spending budgets rather than only presenting the advantages of one thing and leaving the other one unsaid. In other words, you must clarify how the thing you choose is better than the other one, instead of telling that the thing you choose is good.

Just my 2 cents :)

This is an argumentative essay so you need to keep these two things in mind:

- Choose a side, you need to either agree or disagree (no enthusiast or sceptic thing here.) However, like Van said, the topic should be rephrased into: "To what extend do you agree or disagree with the fact that money should be spent instead on health education to keep people well?" Therefore, if you disagree, you will have to specify at least two reasons (two paragraphs) why you do, and these two reasons must refer to the correct topic: "Money should be spent instead on health education." The same procedure can be applied when you agree with what the topic insists. The two reasons you specified in your essay are okay but you will have to write them in a different way, i.e. make it "Government should not spend on health education instead of ... because..." or "Government should not reduce spending on expensive medical technology and procedures because ... ".

- You will need another paragraph called refutation (not an accurate name though), which is used to make an argumentative essay strong. This paragraph includes a counter-argument, which is the writer's opinion about the opposing point of view (in this case, "Money should be spent instead on health education."); a concession in which you agree that the opposing point of view is valid but emphasize that yours is stronger; and a refutation which is your response to the counter-argument (you show the readers why the counter-argument is weak.) You will, however, need at least another two reasons for this refutation. Basically, this paragraph should be like this:

"I understand that health education is very important in the long run but without government spending ... other problems could arise. History proves us that only the invention of a new treatment technique can help humankind fight against such dangerous diseases as ... . In addition, outdated procedures will not help, even if people have the required knowledge of self-prevention."

That's it in a nutshell, I hope you find my post useful :). Btw, if you have any materials you wish to share, we have a forum for that: click. Thank you for your contributions =].

I want to change only one sentence:

Actually, modern people (why do we need "in" here, Soul?) these days tend to keep changing their lifestyles, thus offering opportunities to the attack of more new invisible viruses which might contribute to a pandemic if there is no support from the modern medical system.

And I agree with the rest :D

Great recommendations ! I treasure them ! million thanks :D
I like the concession best -----

I made a mistake in my post, corrected it ;).

Good luck to you in the test, Mr iCD hehe.

THANKS , HEEHEE